FILM CHALLENGE: 65) Spider-Man 3

65) Spider-Man 3

Director: Sam Raimi

Year: 2007

Plot Summary: A strange black entity from another world bonds with Peter Parker and causes inner turmoil as he contends with new villains, temptations, and revenge.

When it came on TV last night, I decided to give the comic book sequel a second go. Surely, after how fun and entertaining the first two were, it couldn't be as bad as I remembered it. But, actually, it's even worse. If you have the misfortune of sitting through this painfully terrible sequel, your first impulse will be to crack open the Yellow Pages and look up ‘frontal lobotomy’. Okay, so it’s not the worst comic book movie ever - after all, Catwoman is still in existence - but to compare the two would be saying suffocation is mildly more amusing than drowning.

After all, the script is so ludicrous, convoluted and farfetched that you spend most of the movie in a state of disbelief. Obviously, there is a huge element of suspending your disbelief when you watch a Spider-Man movie, but in this one there is a) an evil, possessive, oily substance that comes from a meteor from outer space and just happens to land near Peter Parker, b) a man who gets turned into sand and then is able to, somehow, switch between that and his human form whenever he pleases, and c) this man is also the person who actually killed Uncle Ben is Spider-Man 1 yet the police didn’t decide to tell Ben’s family until now.

But worst of all is how drama between Harry and Peter develops in Spider-Man 3. His father was killed when he fought Spider-Man and he’s always blamed the web-slinger for that loss. At the end of the last movie, he discovers that his best friend is, in fact, the superhero and sets out for revenge in this story. Just when it all kicks off in the first 20 minutes… He conveniently gets amnesia and forgets all about it for the next 90! It’s obvious the writers couldn’t think of any good way to stretch it out for the full length of the story so they lazily threw this in!

But how does their drama reach its climax? The drama that has always been my favourite thing in the Spider-Man franchise and the only reason I continued to suffer this terrible movie for. Would Harry realise that his father killed himself in the battle? How would he find out? Will they be friends again? Maybe he wont find out and Peter will have to face his friend in a battle of life or death! And then it comes. After 3 films, 5 hours of movie watching and half a decade of waiting I get my answer: The fucking butler knew all along and only decides to tell Harry at the end of Spider-Man 3. What?! Are you serious?! No confrontation, no powerful realisation of his misguidedness? Just a butler who didn’t speak up BEFORE Harry began his quest for revenge?!

And speaking of that butler, the movie is packed full of annoying, pathetic, loathsome characters. Peter, who was the lovable hero in the first two movies, is changed halfway through by the black substance – yes, it does take a full hour after the meteor hits earth for it to come into the story – and becomes one of the most infuriating people ever to grace the big screen. The scene in which he struts through New York is so embarrassing, pointless and devoid of humour that it deserves a Razzie nomination all by itself. Sure, it’s a popcorn flick so you can get away with a little silliness, but in this scene you’ll just want to convert that popcorn cup into a flight sickness bag.

It doesn’t help that Toby Maguire’s acting is awful either. His transformation is somewhat reminiscent of Viggo Mortenson’s in A History Of Violence, only Toby Maguire is to Viggo Mortenson what the kazoo is to the violin: Shit. And it’s not just in this scene either, he spends most of the movie whining, crying and looking like a teenage boy who has just had his football confiscated instead of giving the character any heart or soul.

Even the minor characters are awful! Topher Grace’s character does nothing of any note until the final act in which he himself gets taken over by the black stuff and becomes a super-villain named… Oh, wait… The writers forgot to name him! Then there’s Gwen and her police captain father who… well actually… they do nothing. Gwen is supposed to steal Peter’s heart in this and cause problems between him and Mary Jane, but why he even acknowledges her is beyond me because she doesn’t have any charm, personality or depth. Her father, on the other hand, says a few things and stands around and that’s about it.

But, it can’t all be painfully bad, can it? Even if the characters, the dialogue, the writing, the acting, the fact it’s not funny, the ridiculous plot devices and the lack of any reason to exist all dampen the film’s entertainment value, it’s got to be well filmed by Sam Raimi, right? Wrong. The action scenes are the cinematic equivalent of spinning in a circle while listening to dramatic music: They are so badly made that they genuinely bring on motion sickness and nausea.

At the end of the day, I can’t help but think a good half hour on some crappy reality TV shows would have sorted the lot of them out. Harry and Peter could talk about their friendship issues on the Jeremy Kyle Show in which Jeremy could bring out the evidence that Harry’s father did kill himself and, thus, solve all their problems. Then, Peter could bring Mary Jane and Gwen with him onto Jerry Springer and sort out their relationship. With all these problems fixed, the Sandman could have a spot on Judge Judy where he’d possibly get acquitted or receive a lesser punishment so he can provide for his daughter at the same time as serving his sentence. Peter would also have the chance to forgive him and move on. Last of all, why not shove that black substance in the Big Brother house? All the people in it act like nobheads anyway so I can’t see how being possessed by some alien oil would make much difference.

It’d save us a good 90 minutes of embarrassing filmmaking and, arguably, be more entertaining. And if anyone knows my hatred of those shows, they’ll how much that says about my feelings toward Spider Man 3.

1/5

By Daniel Sarath with 5 comments