FILM CHALLENGE: 152) Alice In Wonderland

152) Alice In Wonderland

Director: Tim Burton

Year: 2010

Plot Summary: Tim Burton tortures you with his pretentious visuals for 2 hours while

nothing happens whatsoever, therefore making you feel like drinking bleach and ending it all.

I understand that I am picky when it comes to cinema. Even when watching some of the greatest movies ever made, I have the annoying talent of being able to moan about the most miniscule of problems. Maybe the editing in a scene should have gone on longer, a character was ever so slightly underdeveloped or the film lost its tension for about 20 seconds in the middle of the second act.

However, in spite of this annoying habit of finding faults with just about everything that's ever been committed to celluloid, it's equally as hard for me to not find something that I enjoy. For example, Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, though the work of Satan himself, had some great special effects. And at least Gerry, a movie so tedious that it'd make being trapped down a Chilean mine feel like a holiday in Ibiza, had two great performances.

Tonight, however, marks a pivotal moment in my many years of being a fan of cinema. One that I never thought I would experience in my lifetime: The discovery of a movie that, to put it bluntly, has not a single redeeming quality about it. That film is Tim Burton's adaptation of Alice In Wonderland.

Reminiscing on the two hours of my life that I wasted in order to write this review is much like trying to come to terms with a traumatic moment from your childhood that you pushed to the back of you mind. It is, in all seriousness, painful for me to think about it. It fills me with both rage and sorrow remembering how my precious time and money were thrown away on such a piece of garbage.

You wait what feels like a lifetime as the film begins for any resemblance of a story to take shape, watching as the emotionless Mia Wasikowska walks around at a garden party engaging in wooden conversations that are completely devoid of life. When she finally reaches the 'wonderland' that we all knew was coming, the story doesn't come then either. Still she simply engages wanders, this time participating in the usual zany, quirky things that Tim Burton does in his films, with literally no point or purpose whatsoever. Characters come and go, for example, without leaving an impact and you'll be left unsure of what anyone is trying to achieve or accomplish.

The very basic rules of storytelling are shattered here. Not in a bravura, artistic way but in a way that shows complete and utter ignorance for what 'good' narratives are. Not only that, but the whole thing is horribly and insufferably filmed. The set decoration, cinematography and costume design are just too maniacal for your eyes to take, as if urging you to turn it off, and the pacing is all over the place as it switches disjointedly between rushed and sluggish.

Even the dialogue is a disaster here, feeling so unrealistic and overly bizarre that after about 20 minutes you'll be clawing at your own skin wanting it to stop. It doesn't help, however, when the usually fantastic cast of actors and actresses - who are disguised behind horrendously CGI'd characters - deliver these lines in a fashion so over-the-top that it causes headaches.

I've never been fond of Burton in the first place, except for the ludicrously entertaining Ed Wood, but the man should never be forgiven for creating this mess. He should have to apologise in front a committee of thousands of filmmakers who have struggled and strived to make movies that, at their worst, are ten times better than Alice In Wonderland. He should personally refund every person who went to the cinema, bought, rented or downloaded the film as an apology. He should be casted out of society, like in Biblical times, and be forced to repent the sins has made.

One of the worst movies I have ever seen.

0/5

By Daniel Sarath with 4 comments